Alan Holmes

Alan plays the guitar. His preferred type is the Fender Jaguar because he's got one. His brain is so big that it has pushed out most of his hair, but only on his head. He hates all sport with the exception of chess, and if he plays you at it...well, you'd better watch out!
Alan is happy when eating chocolate and a bag of his favourite flavoured crisps, especially while drinking exotic foreign bottled beers. When he's drunk he is every bit as nice as when he is sober. If he doesn't know something he'll make it up. Whenever he goes for a healthy mountain walk up one of the local peaks, he always favours the "red packet" variety of Kendal's Mint Cake for a halfway snack as it is made from brown sugar and so is healthier than the "blue packet" variety.
His favourite colour is invisible.


Despite my extraordinary talent I consider myself to be a proletarian and I admire the contributions made to world culture by the British working class.
I'm a bit like my guitar hero Ritchie Blackmore in that I prefer to listen to classical music when at home. Britten and Elgar are of course my favourites, with a little bit of Mozart if I'm feeling a bit sad. Mozart was a bit like me, a prodigy and composer of great sensitivity and invention, but he didn't play the electric guitar!
I often listen to spoken word comedy records, Britain has produced all the greatest comedians without exception. Greatest of these are undoubtedly the hilarious "Cockney" comics. I can listen to Mike Reid or Jim Davidson all day - as long as I don't have to do anything, I'm shaking with laughter!
There's nothing I like more than to settle down with a few beers and read the classics - Len Deighton, Stephen King and Capt. W.E.Johns express all that is best about the British sense of adventure, which enabled us to conquer large swathes of the continents...but that's all gone now.





Fans of cajun, opera and Macy Gray could do worse than check out Alan's post-listenable instrumental group, THE GROCERIES who have made several appearances on compilations over the past couple of years.




As if all this activity wasn't enough, Alan also half-heartedly runs a "'cult" record label called CENTRAL SLATE RECORDS but doesn't get round to releasing much on it because he is very busy and hasn't got any money. Past releases are, however all essential purchases for any "Bangorbeat" enthusiasts.



If you like ECTOGRAM's music, you are certain to also enjoy contemporary Iranian cinema. Alan's preference is for films in the "heart-warming" and "bitter-sweet" categories - his fifteen favourites from the last few years being:

A TASTE OF CHERRY (Abbas Kiarostami 1997) - a heart-warming tale of a Tehran taxi driver who, having decided to kill himself, picks up passengers in the hills around Tehran and tries to persuade them to help bury him after the event.

THROUGH THE OLIVE TREES (Abbas Kiarostami 1994) - a bitter-sweet tale of a young man who gets a job as an extra in a movie being filmed in his remote village, and uses his position to try to convince a young lady, who has previously rejected his advances, to marry him.

CLOSE UP (Abbas Kiarostami 1990) - a heart-warming tale about a film buff who passes himself off as top Iranian director Mohsen Makhmalbaf and is found out and tried for fraud. Features an appearance by Mr Makhmalbaf himself.

THE WHITE BALLOON (Jafar Panahi 1995) - a bitter-sweet tale about a young girl crossing the busy streets of Tehran to buy a goldfish, and encountering all manner of adventure on the way.

BAG OF RICE (Mohammam-Ali Telebi 1996) - a heart-warming tale about a young girl crossing the busy streets of Tehran to buy a bag of rice, and encountering all manner of adventure on the way.

GABBEH (Mohsen Makhmalbaf 1996) - a bitter-sweet tale about a carpet which comes to life.

THE WIND WILL CARRY US (Abbas Kiarostami 1999) - a heart-warming tale of a group of strangers who arrive in an isolated village on a barren mountainside, wander around and then leave.

A TIME FOR DRUNKEN HORSES (Bahman Ghobadi 1999) - a bitter-sweet tale of a 12 year old Kurdish orphan living on the Iranian-Iraqi border trying to earn the money for his severely handicapped brother to have an urgent operation.

A MOMENT OF INNOCENCE (Mohsen Makhmalbaf 1996) - a heart-warming tale of a film director, who was once imprisoned for assaulting a policemen in an anti-Shah demonstration and many years later hires the same policeman to act in his latest film. A true story, acted by the real characters themselves.

BLACKBOARDS (Samira Makmalbaf 1999) - a bitter-sweet tale of a group of teachers carrying blackboards around the mountains on the Iran-Iraq border in search of children to teach.

TEN (Abbas Kiarostami 2002) - a heart-warming tale of a woman driving around Tehran in her car and having conversations with other women and her own son.

THE CIRCLE (Jafar Panahi 1999) - a bitter-sweet tale of a series of women going about their lives in a city.

THE DAY I BECAME A WOMAN (Marzieh Meshkini 2001) - not one but three heart-warming tales of a young girl becoming a woman, a woman cyclist competing in a race and an old woman in a wheelchair.

THE APPLE (Samira Makmalbaf 1997) - a bitter-sweet tale of two twins who have been kept locked up by their parents for 12 years. A true story, acted by the real characters themselves.

DANCE OF DUST (Abolfazl Jalili 1998) - a heart-warming tale of a young boy who lives and works in a dusty windswept brickworks in a remote part of Southern Iran.



Alan's seventh favourite pop group is "The Fall" and he reckons that their best songs are, in order:

1. HOW I WROTE "ELASTIC MAN"
2. ROWCHE RUMBLE
3. BEFORE THE MOON FALLS
4. GARDEN
5. IN MY AREA
6. NEW FACE IN HELL
7. WINTER
8. TOTALLY WIRED
9. SMILE
10. PRINTHEAD
11. YOUR HEART OUT
12. MIDDLE MASS
13. ENGLISH SCHEME
14. JAWBONE AND THE AIR-RIFLE
15. REPETITION
16. THE CLASSICAL
17. CONTAINER DRIVERS
18. HEXEN DEFINITIVE / STRIFE KNOT
19. IT'S THE NEW THING
20. PAY YOUR RATES
21. IMPRESSION OF J TEMPERENCE
22. BACKDROP
23. I AM DAMO SUZUKI
24. FLAT OF ANGLES
25. REBELLIOUS JUKEBOX
26. NEW PURITAN
27. WINGS
28. FIERY JACK
29. PUT AWAY
30. VARIOUS TIMES
31. JOKER HYSTERICAL FACE
32. LIE DREAM OF A CASINO SOUL
33. KICKER CONSPIRACY
34. DICE MAN
35. A FIGURE WALKS
36. PAINTWORK
37. FRIGHTENED
38. THE NORTH WILL RISE AGAIN
39. ICELAND
40. MESS OF MY
41. NO XMAS FOR JOHN QUAYS
42. LEAVE THE CAPITAL
43. FANTASTIC LIFE
44. CITY HOBGOBLINS
45. PSYKICK DANCEHALL
46. MUSIC SCENE
47. BINGO MASTER'S BREAKOUT
48. PROLE ART THREAT
49. C 'N' C - S MITHERING
50. FIT AND WORKING AGAIN
51. LAST ORDERS
52. HARD LIFE IN THE COUNTRY
53. AND THIS DAY
54. SLATES, SLAGS ETC
55. LOOK, KNOW
56. INDUSTRIAL ESTATE
57. AN OLDER LOVER ETC
58. MUZOREWI'S DAUGHTER
59. SOLICITOR IN STUDIO
60. WHAT ABOUT US?
61. SPECTRE VS. RECTOR
62. CARY GRANT'S WEDDING
63. FORTRESS / DEER PARK
64. TWO STEPS BACK
65. BLINDNESS
66. EAT Y'SELF FITTER
67. CHOC-STOCK
68. MOTHER-SISTER !
69. FUTURES AND PASTS
70. BOMBAST
71. PSYCHO MAFIA
72. TOMMY SHOOTER
73. SECOND DARK AGE
74. MERE PSEUD MAG. ED.
75. ROOM TO LIVE
76. GUT OF THE QUANTIFIER
77. THE MAN WHOSE HEAD EXPANDED
78. I'M INTO C.B.
79. DETECTIVE INSTINCT
80. STEPPING OUT
81. IS THIS NEW
82. PLASTER ON THE HAND / PILSNER TRAIL
83. LUCIFER OVER LANCASHIRE
84. MIKE'S LOVE XEXAGON
85. R.O.D.
86. GRAMME FRIDAY
87. PROTEINPROTECTION
88. MY NEW HOUSE
89. OL' GANG
90. LIVING TOO LATE / LONG
91. IN THE PARK
92. THAT MAN
93. WHO MAKES THE NAZIS ?
94. MOUNTAIN ENERGEI
95. DRESDEN DOLLS
96. SPOILT VICTORIAN CHILD
97. JUST STEP SIDEWAYS
98. LAY OF THE LAND
95. GROSS CHAPEL - BRITISH GRENADIERS
99. UNDERGROUND MEDECIN
100. LIFE JUST BOUNCES
101. ALTON TOWERS
102. WE WISH YOU A PROTEIN CHRISTMAS
103. HIP PRIEST
104. 2 BY 4
105. MANSION
106. OPEN THE BOXOCTOSIS 2
107. NO BULBS
108. TERRY WAITE SEZ
109. CRUISER'S CREEK
110. DR. BUCK'S LETTER
111. HOT AFTERSHAVE BOP
112. C 'N' C - HASSLE SCHMUK
113. REFORMATION
114. 4 1/2 INCH
115. SLANG KING
116. DOKTOR FAUSTUS
117. JANET, JOHNNY & JAMES
118. WHAT YOU NEED
119. WOLF KIDULT MAN
120. (BIRTWHISTLE'S) GIRL IN SHOP
121. MARQUIS CHA CHA
122. STEPHEN SONG
123. TEMPO HOUSE
124. FREE RANGE
125. W.B.
126. SENIOR TWILIGHT STOCK REPLACER
127. PAPAL VISIT
128. CLASP HANDS
129. TWO LIBRANS
130. PACIFYING JOINT
131. GUEST INFORMANT
132. PUTTA BLOCK
133. I FEEL VOXISH
134. CRAIGNESS
135. CRAP RAP 2 / LIKE TO BLOW
136. SYSTEMATIC ABUSE
137. BARMY
138. 50 YEAR OLD MAN
139. RECOVERY KIT
140. COULDN'T GET AHEAD
141. LIVE AT THE WITCH TRIALS
142. MR PHARMACIST
143. HURRICANE EDWARD
144. AUTO TECH PILOT
145. U.S. 80'S - 90'S
146. CYBER INSEKT
147. SHOULDER PADS
148. GREEN EYED LOCO-MAN
149. TO NKROACHMENT: YARBLES
150. SPINETRAK
151. MASQUERADE
152. HEY! LUCIANI
153. TEN HOUSES OF EVE
154. LATCH KEY KID
155. RIDDLER
156. ELVES
157. RECOVERY KIT 2
158. BUG DAY
159. NEIGHBOURHOOD OF INFINITY
160. HOTEL BLOEDEL
161. DISNEY'S DREAM DEBASED
162. DRAYGO'S GUILT
163. CONTRAFLOW
164. GOD-BOX
165. CLEAR OFF !
166. PAT TRIP DISPENSER
167. WORDS OF EXPECTATION
168. MARK'LL SINK US
169. HIT THE NORTH PART 4
170. ENTITLED
171. AND THEREIN...
172. FRENZ
173. I WAKE UP IM CITY
174. WRONG PLACE, RIGHT TIME
175. BLOOD OUTTA STONE
176. HIT THE NORTH PART 5
177. LAST COMMANDS OF XYRALOTHEP VIA M.E.S.
178. BREMEN NACHT
179. OSWALD DEFENCE LAWYER
180. TWISTER
181. FALL SOUND
182. DEAD BEAT DESCENDENT
183. YES, OH YES
184. THE PAST 2
185. BOUNEMOUTH RUNNER
186. SLEEP DEBT SNATCHES
187. PETTY THIEF LOUT
188. CAB IT UP !
189. HIGH TENSION LINE
190. LAST NACHT
191. THEME FROM SPARTA FC
192. DOG IS LIFE / JERUSALEM
193. ROSE
194. MY DOOR IS NEVER
195. TUFF LIFE BOOGIE
196. LUDD GANG
197. (WE ARE0 MOD MOCK GOTH
198. BUTTERFLIES 4 BRAINS
199. HAF FOUND BORMANN
200. ACID PRIEST 2088
201. IN THESE TIMES
202 CREEP
203. WIN FALL C.D. 2080
204. BIG NEW PRIEST
205. BRITISH PEOPLE IN HOT WEATHER
206. HIT THE NORTH PART 6
207. BIG NEW PRINZ
208. BEHIND THE COUNTER
209. I'M FRANK
210. EXPLODING CHIMNEY
211. D.I.Y. MEAT
212. KURIOUS ORANJ
213. HEY FASCIST
214. IDIOT JOY SHOWLAND
215. SQUID LAW
216. SING! HARPY
217. DAS VULTURE ANS EIN NUTTER-WAIN
218. HE PEP !
219. HOSTILE
220. I WAKE UP IN CITY
221. PARANOIA MAN IN CHEAP SHOT ROOM
222. AUSTRALIANS IN EUROPE
223. OH! BROTHER
224. L.A.
225. CROP DUST
226. EDINBURGH MAN
227. ASSUME
228. BLACK MONK THEME PART 1
229. THE MIXER
230. CAN CAN SUMMER
231. SERUM
232. ZAGREB
233. MIDNIGHT IN ASPEN
234. ASPEN REPRISE
235. HOT RUNES
236. ARMS CONTROL POSEUR
237. POWDER KEG
238. GUIDE ME SOFT
239. BAD NEWS GIRL
240. DON'T TAKE THE PIZZA
241. SO WHAT ABOUT IT ?
242. HIT THE NORTH PART 1
243. THE WAR AGAINST INTELLIGENCE
244. THE QUARTET OF DOC SHANLEY
245. UNUTTERABLE
246. FEELING NUMB
247. VIXEN
248. DAS BOOT
249. COPPED IT
250. SPENCER MUST DIE
251. W.M.C. - BLOB 59
252. BO DEMMICK
253. SINISTER WALTZ
254. HILARY
255. MY EX CLASSMATES' KIDS
256. I COME AND STAND AT YOUR DOOR
257. WAR
258. M5
259. LEVITATE
260. KICK THE CAN
261. YOU HAVEN'T FOUND IT YET
262. IBIS-AFRO MAN
263. SUSAN VS YOUTHCLUB
264. DISTILLED MUG ART
265. LADYBIRD (GREEN GRASS)
266. GLAM-RACKET
267. IT'S A CURSE
268. CARRY BAG MAN
269. RETURN
270. SHIFT-WORK
271. FREE RANGER
272. NEW FORMATION SERMON
273. A PAST GONE MAD
274. ZANDRA
275. SERVICE
276. THE JOKE
277. INTERLUDE / CHILINISM
278. THE ACUTE
279. OLEANO
280. THE STEAK PLACE
281. A LOT OF WIND
282. I CAN HEAR THE GRASS GROW
283. HOLLOW MIND
284. JANET VS JOHNNY
285. THERE'S A GHOST IN MY HOUSE
286. OXYMORON
287. OCTO REALM / KETAMINE SUN
288. TELEPHONE THING
289. THE CHISELERS
290. JIM'S THE FALL
291. GET A HOTEL
292. MIDWATCH 1953
293. VAN PLAGUE ?
294. WAY ROUND
295. VICTORIA
296. HEY! STUDENT
297. CHRISTMASTIDE / XMAS WITH SIMON
298. PEARL CITY
299. CHILINIST
300. TAURIG
301. ARID AL'S DREAM
302. YOU'RE NOT UP TO MUCH
303. STRYCHNINE
304. CHEETHAM HILL
305. RIDE AWAY
306 MIDDLE CLASS REVOLT !
307. THE COLISEUM
308. MOLLUSC IN TYROL
309. THE KNIGHT, THE DEVIL AND DEATH
310. TIME ENOUGH AT LAST
311. BILL IS DEAD
312. YOUWANNER
313. H.O.W.
314. LOOP 41 HOUSTON
315. BLACK MONK THEME PART 2
316. THE LITTLEST REBEL
317. THE BIRMINGHAM SCHOOL OF BUSINESS SCHOOL
318. CITY DWELLER
319. SO-CALLED DANGEROUS
320. IMMORTALITY
321. FUNERAL MIX
322. TOUCH SENSITIVE
323. 324297. BOURGEOIS TOWN
325. PITTSVILLE DIREKT
326. PUMPKIN SOUP & MASHED POTATOES
327. NOEL'S CHEMICAL EFFLUENCE
328. THE BOOK OF LIES
329. THE APHID
330. SURMOUNT ALL OBSTACLES
331. I'M A MUMMY
332. GENTLEMAN'S AGREEMENT
333. TRAGIC DAYS
334. EVERYTHING HURTZ
335. BONKERS IN PHOENIX
336. CAB DRIVER
337. LIGHT / FIREWORKS
338. REPRISE: JANE-PROF MICK-EY BASTARDO
339. TWO-FACE !
340. EARLY DAYS OF CHANNEL F&UMLU;HRER
341. THE REAL LIFE OF THE CRYING MARSHALL
342. PUMPKIN HEAD ESCAPES
343. HIT THE NORTH PART 2
344. HEY MARC RILEY
345. MARRIED, 2 KIDS
346. ONE DAY
347. SHUT UP !
348. RAINMASTER
349. ED'S BABE
350. RECIPE FOR FASCISM
351. CHICAGO, NOW
352. JUNK MAN
353. HIT THE NORTH PART 3
354. SECESSION MAN
355. EXTRICATE
356. WHITE LIGHTNING
357. DEVOLUTE
358. DAS KATERER
359. BIRTHDAY SONG
360. SONS OF TEMPERANCE
361. SCAREBALL
362. DON'T CALL ME DARLING
363. ROLLIN' DANY
364. JAP KID
365. THE LEAGUE OF BALD-HEADED MEN
366. WHY ARE PEOPLE GRUDGEFUL ?
367. THE $500 BOTTLE OF WINE
368. I'M NOT SATISFIED
369. STRANGE TOWN
370. INSULT SONG
371. THE BALLAD OF J DRUMMER
372. EVERYBODY BUT MYSELF
373. 15 WAYS
374. COACH AND HORSES
375. PINE LEAVES
376. CLOUD OF BLACK
377. BREAKING THE RULES
378. GOTTA SEE JANE
379. I'VE BEEN DUPED
380. LAST CHANCE TO TURN AROUND
381. THE RECKONING
382. JUST WAITING
383. SHAKE-OFF
384. FIEND WITH A VIOLIN
385. (JUNG NEV'S) ANTIDOTES
386. EARLY LIFE OF CRYING MARSHALL
387. FISTFUL OF CREDIT
388. THE CRYING MARSHALL
389. WHITE LINE FEVER
390. A DAY IN THE LIFE
391. NORTH WEST FASHION SHOW
392. SCENARIO
393. IVANHOE'S TWO PENCE
394. MAD.MEN-ENG.DOG
395. POPCORN DOUBLE FEATURE
396. THIS PERFECT DAY
397. MEDICAL ACCEPTANCE GATE
398. HANDS UP BILLY
399. BOUND
400. LEAGUE MOON MONKEY MIX
401. ON MY OWN
402. NORTHERNS IN EUROP
403. JUNGLE ROCK
404. I'M GOING TO SPAIN
405. THE USHER
406. OVERTURE FROM 'I AM CURIOUS, ORANGE'
407. LEGEND OF XANADU
408. SYMBOL OF MORDGAN
409. LOST IN MUSIC
410. ITALIANO
411. RACE WITH THE DEVIL
412. THE BAD STUFF
413. THE WRIGHT STUFF
414. CREW FILTH
415. STAY AWAY (OLD WHITE TRAIN)
416. INEVITABLE
417. PINBALL MACHINE
418. OUTRO
419. F-'OLDIN' MONEY
420. ANECDOTES & ANTIDOTES IN B*
421. CALENDAR
422. FINALE: TOM RAGGAZZI
423. HAPPY HOLIDAY
424. TRUST IN ME

Do you agree with him? If not, send us your top 424 Fall tunes, and we will feature it here !